Category: loneliness

THE DILEMA OF SALLY’S LONLINESS

The friend paused and replied, “Sally, right now your voice is raised, and you are jabbing your finger at me. If that isn’t anger, I don’t know what is.”

Sally still can’t figure out what is wrong.  She is not in her prime, single, a believer, and feels friendless. People disappear from her bank of friends right and left. They are there for a season and then drop off the map. Sally keeps asking God, “Why don’t my friends stick around?” Seriously, does God have limited resources?

Today she read in her Bible that God gives wisdom to those who ask for it. Sally ardently asked God for wisdom regarding friendship. However, the following events transpired which did not appear as God’s answer to Sally’s prayers.

UNWELCOME ANSWERS TO HER PRAYERS

She encountered an ex-friend at the grocery store. Sally mustered up the courage to ask why they had grown apart. The woman cautiously looked at her and said, “I just couldn’t put up with your anger anymore.”

Sally immediately declared, “What anger? What are you talking about? I may get a little frustrated, but I don’t get angry!!!!”

The friend paused and replied, “Sally, right now your voice is raised, and you are jabbing your finger at me. If that isn’t anger, I don’t know what is.”

Sally looked down at her hands. They were clenched into fists. Looking down the aisle, Sally could see customers eyeing her with alarm. Was her voice that loud? She hustled out of the store and called another ex-friend. As soon as the second woman answered the phone, Sally blurted out, “Tracey, can you believe it. I saw Nancy at the grocery store. She says I’m an angry person.”

After a long awkward pause, Tracey slowly said, “I’m so sorry Sally, but yes, I agree with Nancy. That’s why our visits are few and far between.  I just can’t take it anymore.” Sally hung up.

SHE ASKED FOR WISDOM, NOT FOR THIS

As the day went by, Sally continued to make additional calls. A few women answered the phone, but many went straight to voicemail. The women she talked to often hemmed and hawed. Some gave the same response as Nancy and Tracey. Sally burst into tears. What was wrong with God? She asked for wisdom, not for this.

Later that evening, Sally sat down in her recliner and looked up the topic of “Christians and Anger” via Gotquestions.org. A flood of verses appeared before her:

THE ANGER VERSES

  • “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath!
  • “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
  • “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
  • “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.”
  • “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
  • “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

Was this the reason for the absence of the deep friendships Sally desired? As Sally prayed, she remembered all her angry encounters with clenched fists. She felt a light breeze blow over the pages of her Bible.

FILLED TO THE MEASURE OF ALL THE FULLNESS OF GOD

Looking down, Sally read the prayer of the Apostle Paul for the believers at Ephesus: And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:17-20) 

At her wits end, Sally knew only by immeasurable power of God could she conquer her anger. She cried as she confessed her sin. God had answered her prayer for wisdom. Can she rely on His resources alone?

SALLY’S POLLUTED “POUR OVER”

People are there for a season and then drop off the map. Sally keeps asking God why she can’t find friends who stick around.

Sally can’t figure out what is wrong.  She is a believer but feels friendless. People are there for a season and then drop off the map. Sally keeps asking God why she can’t find friends who stick around. Seriously, does God have limited resources?

This morning, she read in her Bible, “May God our Father himself and our Master Jesus clear the road to you! And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you. May you be infused with strength and purity, filled with confidence in the presence of God our Father when our Master Jesus arrives with all his followers.” (I Thessalonians 3:11-13 The Message)

SALLY’S PAST ENCOUNTERS

Sally began to take stock. She remembered the previous week when she had been pouring over a lot, but not the pouring of goodness that the Bible refers to. There was that heated discussion with her sister about politics. As usual, her sister ended up storming out of the house. That same day, Sally discovered that her family doctor did not believe the Bible. She quickly set him straight and reminded him that he was on the path to hell. Later that night, Sally discovered her brother, of all people, believed in evolution. It is enough to make Sally want to explode. What indeed is the world coming to?

WHY DO PEOPLE AVOID HER?

Last night Sally couldn’t sleep. Her mind kept replaying the interaction with her doctor. She heard her loud voice and saw herself repeatedly jabbing at him with her finger to make a point. Were there similarities between that and her altercation with her sister? Why did her sister keep rolling her eyes at her and then slam the screen door in Sally’s face? Why didn’t all these people see the truth? It hurt that her sister and brother seem to purposely avoid her.

JESUS POURS LIFE

While contemplating these encounters, Sally turned on the light and opened her Bible. The pages flipped opened up to John 3. Sally knew this story well: Jesus’ encounter with a woman who clearly is of bad character, has skewed theology and is on her way to hell. Yet, what does Jesus do? He calmly engages her in conversation, asking questions along the way. He then extends an invitation.  Jesus pours life in that conversation without raising His voice or jabbing His fingers. The Savior offers life.

GOD’S PLAN: DANCING RATHER THAN PLODDING

Later, she read: “One final word, friends. We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. God wants you to live a pure life.” (I Thessalonians 4:1-3 The Message). Sally pondered the question. Is she just plodding along in her Christian life? Is it possible to find great friends? Can a joyous spirited dance pour out of her soul?

MY FROG EXPERIENCE

Life was a mess but I didn’t realize that gradually I was being robbed of my ability to cope.  I just wanted the pain to stop.

In the middle of one of the darkest time periods of my life I had absolutely no hope that resolution would come quickly, or that it would ever come.  My car was approaching a busy intersection.  My light was red.  The thought quickly entered my mind, “Why don’t you just press the gas instead of the brake? If you get lucky enough, you just might be able to end all your pain in one fatal accident.” I didn’t hit the gas, but it did finally enter my brain the deepness and seriousness of my depression. 

FROG COOKING 101

How had I gotten to that point? There is the old story of how to cook a live frog. You place it in a pot of cold water (if you suddenly turn up the heat and bring the water to a boil, the frog will jump out immediately to escape the danger). However, if you begin with lukewarm water and gradually increase the temperature, the frog won’t perceive the danger.  It will remain in the pot, unaware, and eventually be cooked to death.

THE SAD NEW NORM

That’s the way it can be with depression.  It enters one’s story, but gradually becomes such a normal part of one’s life that this becomes the new norm. That was me driving through that intersection.

DEPRESSION ROBS

Depression slowly makes gains day to day.  It commits the crimes of robbery of wonders such as joy, peace, sleep, or the ability to just cope with regular life.  I was that frog in the pot – life was a mess but I didn’t realize that gradually I was being robbed of my ability to cope.  I just wanted the pain to stop.

DEPRESSION ISOLATES

The problem for many people who are massively depressed is that they don’t have someone true and faithful they can confide in.  Someone who will not only listen, but can be trusted to be upfront when the truth needs to be told but loving at the same time.  The only person I knew who I could confide in was stuck in the same mess as myself.  Depressed people are lonely and the depression just intensifies the isolation.

CHALLENGE FOR THE WEEK

So what is the challenge for this week? Avoid traffic intersections!!!! (Just kidding) Ask God for a friend.  Not just any old friend, a friend who loves Jesus totally and will extend to you the same grace that Jesus extends.  To find this friend (or friends) may mean you will have to get out of your comfort zone.  You may have to volunteer somewhere, begin attending a church, engage your neighbors in more than the “Hi” “Bye” typical conversations, or maybe make a phone call to someone who you used to be able to connect with.  Possibly none of these will work out for you – but what have you lost by trying???  Begin every day with the prayer, “Lord, please help me to begin being open to people and also lead me to someone I can help.”

DON’T STAY IN THE POT!

Try it and please let me know what happens. Don’t just stay stuck in the pot.