Tag: Life Coaching

THE JESUS SWAGGER

When Jesus could have healed Lazarus, but God tells Jesus to pause.  Lazarus died.  What good friend lets another die?

He was 6’4” with a long, lanky body. Viewing his early films of the 1930s, he looks very stiff and a bit awkward. Slowly but surely, he learned to move in a very slow, deliberate way. The gait of John Wayne, the actor, “was slightly tipsy, slightly off-balance looking, rough, tough, and rugged”. He chose his walk, his trademark swagger.

WHAT IS THE JESUS WALK?

Jesus’ walk is also unique. What does it mean when John writes: “By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says that he remains in Him ought, himself also, walk just as He walked”?  What is this Jesus walk? Earlier in the passage, there is a connection made between behavior (how we walk) and knowing Him. “By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments.” (I John 2:3-6)

CHEERS OR JEERS?

What were Jesus’ commandments? Read the Gospels. Jesus doesn’t conduct Himself according to the cultural norm. The disciples find this a wild unpredictable ride. Daily, Jesus spends time with His Father and follows the Father’s instructions for that day. This can lead to the unusual. One day the disciples find themselves taking a boat to visit a demoniac and another day visit a scandalous woman who belongs to “those people”; a group which good Jewish people do not associate with. The 12 never know if the next town will bring cheers or jeers.

Remember that occasion when Jesus could have healed Lazarus, but God tells Jesus to pause?  Lazarus died.  What good friend lets another die? Mary and Martha are none too pleased when Jesus shows up late to the funeral. Jesus often does not meet peoples’ expectations. He doesn’t play by the rules of the Pharisees or the Sadducees. When they condemn to death the woman caught in adultery, Jesus kneels and scribbles in the dust. They expect Him to launch the first stone.  Instead, He forgives her.

JESUS WOULD NOT GET A GREAT JOB EVALUATION

Let’s be honest, if you were Jesus’ employer and had to give Him a job evaluation, He would not excel on the spectrum.  For example, you would give Him negative points for planning. He spends hours speaking to thousands of people and after the fact (seemingly, off the cuff) asks the 12 to supply lunch. Jesus doesn’t even use hand sanitizer when He touches the lepers.

He is disruptive and uncooperative with local commerce and causes a big scene at the Temple. When an employee should be fired because of betrayal, Jesus welcomes him back with open arms and appoints him the leader of the group. In other words, by our standards, Jesus would be fired and His walk would be exiting out the door.

ONLY ONE BOSS

Jesus is not a good employee of mankind because He only follows one Boss, His Heavenly Father.  He came to do His Father’s will. That was and is His pattern every day of His life. Maybe you are a little stiff and a bit awkward with this whole concept of walking as Jesus walked. Is your aim to learn to move in a deliberate way that only aims to please Him? Do you let go of your schedule and with open hands accept Jesus’ priorities, uncomfortable situations, and the upheaval which He can bring to your life?  Have you learned to trust Him?

LEARN THE SWAGGER

Yes, your Jesus walk might at times appear slightly off-balance, rough, and not blend in with everyone else. But, “whoever says he lives in Christ [that is, whoever says he has accepted Him as God and Savior] ought [as a moral obligation] to walk and conduct himself just as He walked and conducted Himself. (I John 2:6).  It’s the only walk that glorifies Christ. Learn the Jesus swagger.

Suggested further study: George Whitefield, a Christ follower who God used to shake the world with his footsteps

THE HEALING ROOM

The patient is not afraid. It’s operation time. He is healing her. It is good

Nestled in the arms of the recliner.  Legs outstretched in front; body tilted back. She can see laid out to the left of her chair are the doctor’s tools. Some of the instruments are rather sharp, even fearsome, but the patient is not afraid. It’s operation time. He is healing her. It is good.

The Doctor’s favorite scalpel is a battered and marked up Bible.  The patient spends a lot of time with this book; writing notes upon notes in the margins regarding things he points out to her during their sessions. Sometimes she takes the words and comments to heart; other times they get filed away until her wounds break open yet again. The Doctor remarks his patient is rather hard of hearing during some of their consultations. Maybe she also needs hearing aids?

The therapies are not convenient and often not comfortable. Keeping further infections at bay is critical. But healing comes from brokenness. This Surgeon will not turn her away, regardless of her illness. She can be made whole.

This operating room is sacred space. It is here, in the quiet, that God pulls her out of herself, away from her own worries and upheavals and into the Universe where He rules. She needs clarity, especially on those days when she wanders through His Book and it seems as dry as dirt (often a match for her own soul). His plans are far greater than her short attention span can fathom. Her home remedies are futile.

Just a warning, God’s work while she’s in the chair can be painful. There are numerous times when God has told her in no uncertain terms to repent, to eat humble pie, and to let go of prized projects. He nudges her to remember that He alone is the expert with the scalpel, not her. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” (Hebrews 4:12)

Despite the pain, this is the one place in the world where she knows she is guarded, protected and secure. Healing is possible. “Whoever dwells in the recliner of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’” (Psalm 91:1-2) In this space, she is consistently, heard, valued, and loved. She is safe in the Surgeon’s arms.

For suggested additional spiritual healing, try Sharon Garlough Brown’s book “Sensible Shoes”

STAND UP AND DANCE

I am a wounded healer who dances with a slight limp

For a month in 1623, John Donne and his doctors believed he was suffering (and likely dying) from the bubonic plague. Donne was able to do little more than write, which he did—journaling a series of meditations on his wrestling with God. He titled his work “Devotions”.

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

On reading “Devotions”, author Phillip Yancey reflected on his own season of weariness and wrote the book “Undone”. Yancey notes: “A measure of shame seems to accompany disability or illness. Donne experienced and wrote about such shame. My journaling expressed my own deep shame, a shame rooted in my belief that I was now weak, flawed, and a failure. This dark hovering cloud of shame is an innate shame in inconveniencing others for something that is neither your fault nor your desire.  Together, depression and anxiety are a two-headed monster. When depression, anxiety, and shame link arms, the days are a downward spiral.” 

DEPRESSION WANTS TO STAY

“Depression has a way of sitting down heavily on your back. It plans to stay a while.” (Ramon Presson)

A SEASON OF PURPOSE

It is easy to disregard a season of depression as being without purpose.  However, the Apostle Paul thought differently: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (2 Cor 1:3-4).  

DANCE WITH A LIMP

I love the challenge of Henri Nouwen. He calls us to become “wounded healers“. He pronounces: “And if I am a wounded healer, who having fiercely wrestled with God, now dance with a slight limp, then so be it.”

Stand up and dance, no matter your season of unbalance.

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS GOD

The encroaching darkness was frightening.  Her body had betrayed her

Over the years, Sandy ministered to many people.  She was a nurturer and she mothered people and pointed them to Christ.  An outgrowth of her job was helping to take care of the employees from Central America.  Sandy had a big heart.  One time she took on the local justice system when one of the workers wound up in jail.  If Sandy thought something was wrong, she would go to great lengths to make things right; she was a tigress. 

THE SHOCK

It was quite a shock when what Sandy was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The doctor at first thought it was just an infection, but after an unsuccessful course of meds further testing was done and she was given the diagnosis of cancer.  Sandy had a mastectomy and then started the dreaded chemotherapy.  She would have a course of chemo, get quite ill, start to feel better and then have to go for more chemo.  The chemo was followed by radiation. 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ALL THERE IS LEFT, IS GOD?

During the course of these therapies, Sandy’s lovely red hair fell out and her skin developed nasty painful rashes.  She had always been strong physically and now found herself imprisoned in a sick and alien body. Through the relentless progress of the disease, Sandy endured.  That final summer of her illness we discussed the question: “What happens when all there is left, is God?”

JEREMIAH IN THE PIT

Have you ever thought about Jeremiah of the Bible?  The dumped him in a slimy stinking mud of a cistern.  It had not been a winner season for him.  A look at Jeremiah 38 bears witness to a most disheartening progression of events.  As a preacher, Jeremiah faced a audience that didn’t pay any attention to his message.  God turned up the heat on Israel with an invasion by the Babylonians. Falsely accused of being a turncoat, Jeremiah was beaten and imprisoned in a dungeon for a lengthy period. Then came the terrible cistern.  The narrative tells us that he was so mired in the mud. When finally released it took thirty men pulling on ropes to lift Jeremiah out of the mud’s suction.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ALL THE LIGHT IS GONE?

What did Jeremiah find in that dark cistern?  Stuck and in the dark, all he heard was the dripping of water. All light fades.  During her final weeks of life, Sandy found her sight deteriorating because the cancer had spread to her brain.  The encroaching darkness was frightening.  Her body had betrayed her and the only place of safety was in the arms of the Savior. 

WHO IS WITH US

Psalm 46 paints a picture of a world in which the mountains are quaking, the seas are surging, and the earth is giving way.  Everything depended on in the past falls away.  Yet, verse seven says, “The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”  It is one thing to consider God as with us and quite another to consider God as actually being our fortress. 

GOD IS ENOUGH

In that dark cistern, what did Jeremiah find ?  What did Sandy discover when her eyes lost sight?  Stability has flown the coop.  All constants disappear. One thing remains: God. In that moment, God is enough.  Ask God to open your eyes to His fortress of love.

HOLDING ON IN THE STORM

Claire is enduring an incredibly rough season.  Month after month she lives with pressure that doesn’t seem to let up.

Claire is enduring an incredibly rough season.  Month after month she lives with pressure that doesn’t seem to let up.  Her daughter Grace experienced a serious accident and Claire discovered herself overnight becoming nurse and fulltime babysitter to her grandchildren. In the chaos of taking care of her daughter’s household, Claire feels like she is shortchanging her other remaining grandchildren who also need her desperately due to family circumstances. Any time she has for one household, she is simultaneously needed in the other.

RUNNING ON FUMES

Claire runs on fumes. Her tank is empty. She forgets to eat. Already slim, it has gotten to the point where she now has also lost most of her muscle. When she gets to set foot in her own home, she just wants to sleep.

And did I add that the church Claire finally connected with turned out as dysfunctional as Claire’s own family? She thought she finally found a group of fellow believers, but the longer she attended, she realized the church was off base.

FEELING CHEWED UP?

Can you identify at all with Claire? Has your season been rough?  Feeling chewed up and spit out? Used and abused? Running on fumes and don’t know how to recover? Use this to begin your prescription for gradually discovering recovery.

A SOUL PRESCRIPTION

Psalm 91 (notes in italics are mine)

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

          Decide you are not going to live in the house of “victimhood” but you are going to decide to rest in the arms of God as your Victor

2 This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

          He alone (not those who make promises and never show) is refuge, place of safety and worthy of trust)

 3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. 4 He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

          He is the rescuer, even when you don’t know you are in danger. He wants to protect you from the diseases of bitterness, resentment and hatred. His Word supplies the keys

 5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. 6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

          You don’t have to sleep with nightmares of everything that can go wrong. You don’t have to dread the sun coming up

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. 15 When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. 16 I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”

To you and the Claires everywhere who are drowning in circumstances, don’t give up. Call on God and decide to trust.  He wants to take care of you for eternity. Take the words of this Psalm, hold them as a banner over your heart, mind and soul. It might be dark tonight, but eventually the sun will come up.  Hold on.

Extra assignment? Listen to https://compelledpodcast.com/episodes/behind-the-scenes-hannah-overton

WHAT IS YOUR JOY LEVEL?

He was a new convert. As a newbie to anything Christian, the handbook for him might as well have been written in Swahili.

Ahh, the delights of the Student Handbook. It was a freshman’s first required reading years ago when I began Bible College.  Contained within were all the rules which would ensure a “happy” college existence.  The list of prohibitions was long and infractions were harsh. Included in possible “crimes” were attending movie theaters, guys’ hair extending over their shirt collars and girls’ skirts to not touching the floor (if the girl was kneeling). For many of us (including me) it was a culture shock. 

I met Carmen, a new convert. As a newbie to anything Christian, the handbook for him might as well have been written in Swahili. Carmen was recovering from drug and alcohol addiction and clearly not prepared for the rulebook. What he desperately needed to learn was what fellowship with the Savior was all about. Carmen was unable to find the joy of the Lord.

TO LOSE JOY IS A GREAT LOSS

Charles Spurgeon wrote, “If any of you have lost the joy of the Lord, I pray you do not think it a small loss.” Spurgeon believed Jesus’ promises regarding joy. These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full (John 15:11) But now I come to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves (John 17:13) If joy is not found in a college rulebook, where can it be found?

JOY IS IN A PERSON

Joy is in a Person. In I John 1:1-4, the Apostle John makes sure every reader vividly knows exactly Who Jesus is. Jesus is not some vague historical figure, but Someone who John and hundreds of others heard, saw, touched, testified about, and knew. The believers formed a holy family circle with the Savior. Even 2,000 years later, this circle is open to all believers. The individuals in the circle do not have all the same skirt length, haircut, or even choice in entertainment.  What we gather around is the very Word of God, Jesus Christ.

WE LONG FOR CONNECTION

As believers, we long for connection. Jesus offers fellowship with God Himself. Christians tend to loosely throw around the word “fellowship”. God’s usage is not a church’s potluck. a high school lock-in, or a good old fashion hymn sing.  This is a deep connection with God which aims to flood our being to its very core.  We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 

JESUS’ HAIRCUT WAS NEVER AN ISSUE

How does one gain fellowship with Jesus Christ? By agreeing with Him. Christ functioned on this earth always in deep fellowship with God, agreeing with the Father. They never disagreed.  Jesus’ haircut was never an issue; the will of the Father was.

HE LONGS FOR YOU

Agreeing with God and taking action on what He actually says in His Word brings joy. There is a place setting for you at God’s table and He longs for you to dine with Him.  Our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.

Sadly, Carmen was unable to follow the college handbook and was kicked out in the Spring of his first year.  He never learned that fellowship with God is not created via manmade rules. If only someone would have drawn him into the circle of fellowship with Christ and what His Word actually said.

THE LITMUS TEST

Maybe this week, take some time and begin making a list of what is keeping you from having deep fellowship with God.  The litmus test may be the questions: “What is your joy level? What is preventing your joy in the Father from being full?” God longs for you. Do you long for Him?

For further reading on vital fellowship, clickhttps://www.raystedman.org/new-testament/1-john/life-with-father

MY REPAIR SHOP

God pulls me out of myself, my own worries and upheavals into the Universe where He rules.  God speaks to me the best when I shut up and listen.

I am addicted to a British TV show called “The Repair Shop”. The show’s premise is that everyday people bring in family heirlooms which are then repaired and resuscitated for their owners by experts with a broad range of specialties. No one is charged for the work and people are jubilant to see previous pieces which have been mangled over the years, restored to beauty. I love to see beauty brought out of brokenness.

MY SOUL’S REPAIR SHOP

In my living room exists my own unique repair shop. In a corner sits a recliner which is not a family heirloom. It was a Costco special. Next to it is an adjacent couch, also not an heirloom. What makes the recliner special is its daily use.  I sit there and picture Jesus on the adjacent couch. The regular conversations that take place at my recliner have been golden. Beauty is created from brokenness.

THE TOOLS

To the left of my recliner are the tools:

  • My journal
  • “Prayer Point” (a Bible reading guide published by Samaritan’s Purse)
  • “Open Doors World Watch List 2024 (the top 50 countries I need to be praying for regarding persecution)
  • “Valley of Vision” – a collection of Puritan prayers that are a great jumpstart for the days when I feel my prayers are rather dusty.

THE MOST VALUABLE TOOL

But the most valuable tool is my battered and marked up Bible.  I’ve run a lot of miles with it; written notes upon notes in the margins regarding things God has pointed out to me when I’m reading it. 

THE QUIET OF THE SHOP

I’m one of those people who need to have relative quiet while I’m at the shop. Total concentration is necessary. It’s not all about me. God voice needs to be clearly heard. Some days it is difficult when I’m wandering through Leviticus – it may seem dry as dirt (often a match for my soul).

God pulls me out of myself, my own worries and upheavals into the Universe where He rules.  God speaks to me the best when I shut up and listen. 

THE PLACE WHERE YOU MEET GOD

If you are already a believer (you have trusted Jesus Christ alone to make your life new) then having a Soul Repair Shop is one of the best things you can do. Your shop may look different than mine – better furniture, location, or it may even take place in a parked car.  Wherever, this is the place you meet God and implore Him to do His work. 

VISITING THE SHOP CAN BE PAINFUL

Just a warning, work in the Repair Shop can be a little painful. There have been numerous times where God has told me in no uncertain terms to repent, to eat humble pie, and to let go of prized projects. I have to keep remembering that He is the restoration expert, not me.

For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart.  And not a creature exists that is concealed from His sight, but all things are open and exposed, and revealed to the eyes of Him with whom we have to give account.(Hebrews 4:12-13)

KEEP THAT DAILY APPOINTMENT

Except for the Word of God, the tools God uses in your Repair Shop may be a little different, but the main thing is to consistently permit Him to do His work.  That’s why it is vital to keep that daily appointment.  Do you want your broken parts made beautiful? Is it possible for God to make you clean?  Perhaps you also need to get addicted to “The Repair Shop”, but not the BBC version – God’s version.

EVERYTHING CHANGED!

In an instant, death had arrived

A young man filled with great promise.  Lots of friends. Star of his basketball team. I can still remember the anguished wailing of his girlfriend. At the prime of life, in a second his life ended in a car accident. Sam was now laid out in a casket.  Everything changed.

HER CRIES FILLED THE AIR

In John 20:1-18, everything changed for Mary Magdelene.  She witnessed the darkness of the last moments of the Savior hanging in agony. Humiliated, tortured, and executed, He breathed His last breath.  “It is finished.” Her anguished cries filled the air. Everything changed.

DEAD FOLKS DON’T DO ALOT FOR THEMSELVES

Now is the time to pay her respects and give her beloved Rabbi the funeral He deserves. Tom Lynch, writer and undertaker, wryly comments: “As a general rule, dead folks don’t do a lot for themselves.  They can only have things done TO them.” But she discovers the stone sealing the tomb is rolled away! One heartbreak after the other.  Will it never stop? Mary cries, “They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

An odd duo races to the scene. John, the disciple who Jesus entrusted to care for His mother Mary.  Then there is Peter, the coward who denied ever knowing Jesus.  At the tomb the guys see the strips of linens the body had been wrapped in. Someone must have stolen the body!

THEY DIDN’T GRASP THE RESURRECTION

Ray Stedman comments, “One of the striking phenomena of the Gospels is the deafness of the disciples to the consistent revelations of Jesus concerning his resurrection. He had great difficulty convincing them that He was going to die in the first place. It was only as they saw the opposition closing in on Him that they realized His words were true. But even then, none of them seemed to grasp that every time He mentioned His death He also added that He would rise again on the third day.”

Mary Magdelene, overwhelmed with grief, peers into the tomb. An angel asks her why she is crying. She sobs: “Because they have taken away my Lord and I don’t know where they have put him!” Resurrection has not entered her thinking, regardless of what Jesus taught.

Amidst her tears, Mary then hears the voice of the One Who she thought was the gardener.  He whispers her name, “Mary.” Everything changes.

NOTHING REMAINS THE SAME

Mary turns and cries, “Rabbi!”  She sees the risen Christ. The empty tomb is the monument which displays the victory over sin’s curse.  The final enemy has been conquered. Nothing remains the same.

ACTING AS IF GOD IS DEAD

So then, how do we choose to live? It’s easy to forget everything changed. “Martin Luther once spent three days in a black depression over something that had gone wrong. On the third day his wife came downstairs dressed in mourning clothes. ‘Who’s dead?’ he asked her. ‘God,’ she replied. Luther rebuked her, saying, ‘What do you mean, God is dead? God cannot die.’ ‘Well,’ she replied, ‘the way you’ve been acting I was sure He had!’(recounted by Ray Stedman)

ARE YOU STILL MOURNING AT THE TOMB?

“Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!”  Is this how you choose to live each day with the Savior Who has risen?  Or, do you choose to be the one mourning at the tomb, all your dreams dashed with no power to face another hour? The good news of Easter is: everything has changed! The victorious risen Christ offers to share His life with you.  Your wailing can be turned to joy.  Everything changes with the risen Christ.

Want additional inspiration? Click for the testimony of Jerry Dugan

MY FROG EXPERIENCE

Life was a mess but I didn’t realize that gradually I was being robbed of my ability to cope.  I just wanted the pain to stop.

In the middle of one of the darkest time periods of my life I had absolutely no hope that resolution would come quickly, or that it would ever come.  My car was approaching a busy intersection.  My light was red.  The thought quickly entered my mind, “Why don’t you just press the gas instead of the brake? If you get lucky enough, you just might be able to end all your pain in one fatal accident.” I didn’t hit the gas, but it did finally enter my brain the deepness and seriousness of my depression. 

FROG COOKING 101

How had I gotten to that point? There is the old story of how to cook a live frog. You place it in a pot of cold water (if you suddenly turn up the heat and bring the water to a boil, the frog will jump out immediately to escape the danger). However, if you begin with lukewarm water and gradually increase the temperature, the frog won’t perceive the danger.  It will remain in the pot, unaware, and eventually be cooked to death.

THE SAD NEW NORM

That’s the way it can be with depression.  It enters one’s story, but gradually becomes such a normal part of one’s life that this becomes the new norm. That was me driving through that intersection.

DEPRESSION ROBS

Depression slowly makes gains day to day.  It commits the crimes of robbery of wonders such as joy, peace, sleep, or the ability to just cope with regular life.  I was that frog in the pot – life was a mess but I didn’t realize that gradually I was being robbed of my ability to cope.  I just wanted the pain to stop.

DEPRESSION ISOLATES

The problem for many people who are massively depressed is that they don’t have someone true and faithful they can confide in.  Someone who will not only listen, but can be trusted to be upfront when the truth needs to be told but loving at the same time.  The only person I knew who I could confide in was stuck in the same mess as myself.  Depressed people are lonely and the depression just intensifies the isolation.

CHALLENGE FOR THE WEEK

So what is the challenge for this week? Avoid traffic intersections!!!! (Just kidding) Ask God for a friend.  Not just any old friend, a friend who loves Jesus totally and will extend to you the same grace that Jesus extends.  To find this friend (or friends) may mean you will have to get out of your comfort zone.  You may have to volunteer somewhere, begin attending a church, engage your neighbors in more than the “Hi” “Bye” typical conversations, or maybe make a phone call to someone who you used to be able to connect with.  Possibly none of these will work out for you – but what have you lost by trying???  Begin every day with the prayer, “Lord, please help me to begin being open to people and also lead me to someone I can help.”

DON’T STAY IN THE POT!

Try it and please let me know what happens. Don’t just stay stuck in the pot.

FREEFALL INTO PAIN

And then it happened. I bend over to pick up a pair of shoes from the floor and out goes my lower back.

How did I get myself here? An everyday work day, beginning with my ‘to do list’. Feeling the joy of accomplishing anything I wanted to. One of those goals was small: to have an afternoon winter nap, warm under a layer of heated covers, with my cats nestled up against my backside. Add a meal for a full tummy, a binge on YouTube of brainless scrolling and my checklist would be complete.

THE FALL

And then it happened. I bend over to pick up a pair of shoes from the floor and out goes my lower back. Holding on to the bathroom sink, I use all my strength trying to keep myself from falling. I try lowering myself down to my knees. My back muscles scream in pain. I let go of the sink. Fall to the bathroom floor. I have been in this fetal position before. With great reluctance, I attempt moving into a yoga position known as child pose to relax my muscles. My body is in a freefall of pain.

PLUMMETING BACKWARDS

On the floor, the spasms don’t allow movement of my legs or back. Yet, less than one foot from me is the young lady I came in to support. Did I mention that I am a caregiver? I find myself more helpless than her. My life is plummeting backwards over a cliff.

WHAT CAN I BE THANKFUL FOR?

Immediately I attempt switch to my gratitude list for my own sanity.  What can I be thankful for? Aha! There is another coworker within the area. Calling for help, I remind myself to just keep taking deep breaths. It takes everything not to shout at the top of my lungs: “Lord, take me to heaven now!” However, yelling out in pain could traumatize my client, so I suppress the cries welling up within me. My life is in freefall.

MY BODY IS STUCK

Medical treatments begin my very slow recovery. I get my winter nap, but not the nap of my dreams. From my seated vantage point, I longingly see my bed. I don’t dare get into the bed; I would not be able to get out of it. I sleep three weeks in a lazy chair with my legs elevated on a heating pad. I cannot bend over to touch my knees let alone my toes, and I cannot bend side to side at my waist. My body is stuck. I’m not falling, but I’m also not moving.

BEFORE….

Before all of this, I was doing so well with exercise class and keeping busy with church activities. Now, all progress has ceased. So many steps backward, from making headway in building a life that isn’t comprised only of my job.

1/2 STEP FORWARD?

Arthritis racks my lower spine and hips. I prepare myself for my first exercise class in a month. Maybe I can make 1/2 step forward? I am scared but this is my start. I will try, then I will rest. I will not push. I will not try to fix my body in one hour. I will continue to build the pieces back of the life I was slowly envisioning.  Maybe the results will be better than I imagined?

MY DECISION

Will I have another freefall? Maybe, but I also have a promise. ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope’. (Jeremiah 29:11) Even though I am afraid, I am deciding to trust.