WHIMPER TERRITORY

God has had me on a learning curve since the eventful morning of June 22^nd.  That’s when I woke up at 4:30 in pain that went past the scale of ten.  Taking a deep breath, especially on my left side was agonizing.  I don’t usually whimper, but this was whimper territory.  Welcome to the world of pulmonary embolism.

A TRAIN WRECK

Every day I am thankful for relatively good health, especially considering my age and genetic makeup.  So, when this hit, I thought that I was pretty much just taking my turn.  I just didn’t expect it to be such a train wreck.  No one prepared me for the utter exhaustion and fear that would accompany this episode. My normal for many days since June 22nd has been conking out on the couch without strength to even get a glass of water.  Every time I take a walk, I wonder if that next twinge I feel or shortness of breath signify the on slot of another blood clot.

FEELING DEPENDENT ON OTHERS

I don’t like feeling dependent on others.  This has been humbling.  Every day I get to experience God’s grace.  God’s grace for when I make mistakes due to inability to concentrate.  God’s grace when I can’t keep a deadline because I have been sleeping on the couch.  God’s grace when He prompts me to keep my mouth shut about my own fears when someone else is sharing their own problems.  God’s grace to keep ministering in the midst of the storm.

CRUSHED AND OVERWHELMED

The Apostle Paul writes about his learning curve experience in I Corinthians 1:8-10: “We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us.”  My sufferings can never compare to the Apostle Paul’s, but we do have something in common, placing our confidence in God that He will continue to rescue us. 

NOTHING TAKES GOD BY SURPRISE

I don’t know where this health journey is leading me, but I do know one thing.  It is directed by God, it is led by God and it will be used by God.  Pulmonary embolism has been an unexpected bump in the road, but nothing ever takes God by surprise.  God knew about this even before I was born.  I have placed my confidence in Him and He will continue to rescue me, no matter where the road leads.  Philippians 1: 21-24 is my reality: “For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. But if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So, I really don’t know which is better. I’m torn between two desires: I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me. But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to live.”

No way do I put myself in the category of the Apostle Paul, but I do know that for whatever time God still has for me on this earth, God is going to use it nonstop, even when I feel in whimper territory.