I experienced my first panic attack during a season of loss. During the same time, I was in the habit of taking longs walks through the city. While I was looking down (kind of blending with my mood), I noticed all the cracks on the sidewalk. I remembered the children’s chant, “Step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back.” Maybe not a positive attitude chant, especially at the time, but it got me thinking about something that could help. I came up an alternative phrase which I began to repeat every time I walked over a crack, “Lord, I decide to trust You.”
A MARK-OR-BREAK TIME IN MY SPIRITUAL LIFE
This was a make-or-break time in my spiritual life. I had to decide if I was really going to believe Him. In my heart of hearts, I think I wanted to cry, “No, I can’t trust a god who lets me go through this much pain.” I had unconsciously adopted the concept that God existed to make me happy (or at least somewhat comfortable). To begin repeating this new phrase, especially with confidence, meant that I had to get over myself and to get to know deeper the One I was choosing to trust. Every crack meant trusting Someone I wasn’t quite sure about.
HE DIDN’T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD
What could I make of this God Who said He held me in His hand but He didn’t make me feel good? At the time, I didn’t entertain the faintest notion that I could ever find peace in the middle of the storm. What would I do with all of the emotions that rose to the surface every occasion I crossed a crack and whispered the words, “Lord, I decide to trust You”? Bottom line was, either I believed in Jesus, the resurrected Savior Who spoke only truth, or else, I should throw His words into the trash.
EXACTLY WHO I WAS GOING TO TRUST
That’s when I began to enlist the cue cards that accompanied me on my walks. I wrote down Scriptures which state Who God is. I needed to know much better exactly Who I was going to trust. Those cue cards began to sing truth over the cracks of my life.
GETTING TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE TRUSTING
I found that God is the Listener; Deliverer; the Close-Up God; Savior to the broken; Protector (Ps. 34:17-20). He is the One Who sees; the Bearer of grief; Helper of the fatherless (Ps. 10:14). He is The Creator; the One beyond our imagination; the One all will stand in awe of; when He speaks it gets done (Ps. 33:6-9). He is the One Who never misspeaks (Psalm 12:6). His ways are blameless; He is the Strength-giver; He is gentle (Ps. 18:30-36). It is one thing to say you will try to trust and quite another to actually get to know Who you are trusting.
MY WHOLE BEING LONGS FOR YOU
Can you pray with me Psalm 63:1-3? You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. Is this the God you are choosing to trust and glorify, even while stepping over the cracks of life?
Further reading: Ps. 34:17-20; Ps. 10:14; Ps. 33:6-9; Psalm 12:6; Ps. 18:30-36; Daniel 2:2-22; Ps. 63:1-3