Tag: FACING UNCERTAINTY

DARK AND LONELY NIGHTS

3 AM, I lay in the hospital bed, waiting for the nurse to interrupt with a visit for a blood pressure check, respiratory treatment, or blood sugar check. It is a very lonely time.

3 AM, I lay in the hospital bed, waiting for the nurse to interrupt with a visit for a blood pressure check, respiratory treatment, or blood sugar check. It is a very lonely time. I do not know if the readings from my last blood tests are improving.  Or are the numbers climbing even higher, causing my stay in the hospital to be prolonged? At that moment I feel alone. All the encouraging comments like “It’ll be alright Bill” or “You’ll be out of here in no time” ring hollow. The darkness of the silent hospital room consumes me with thoughts of despair and doubt.

I CANNOT SEE A WAY OUT

My faith is tested, and I cannot see a way out.  I feel shame. After all, I was the preacher who for the last 30 years told others: “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”. Do I believe this? Is any of this working out?

GLIMPSES INTO THE REASON FOR THE HOSPITAL BED

Then God begins to show me glimpses into why He is allowing this crisis to come upon my life. He starts to turn this period of self-doubt and discouragement into a time of hope and purpose. As I lay there feeling lonely and cast aside, a young nurse comes into the room ready to take my vitals. I initiate a conversation which turns into a lengthy talk regarding her Vietnamese mother and spirit worship. She tells me about how her mother worships the dead. She does not necessarily agree with her mom but does not know anything wrong with it. The Holy Spirit and my training in evangelism kick in. I begin to explain to her how Jesus is the only Savior any of us needs. He forgives sins no matter what we have done. A great conversation for a long, lonely night!

The next day, at about the same time early in the morning, I have another discussion with the head nurse (she also came to extract blood – a team sport!) We end up having a long conversation about her family and how God seems to be missing. Again, I share with her the hope of salvation and what Jesus means in my life. God is speaking to me and this dumb fool (Patient Bill) listens to Him. He shows just what His purpose is, and He wants to bring glory to Himself.

NOT ALONE!

Many nights I spent in the hospital wondering what was going to happen to me and how I fit into His overall plan. Finally, I realized that feeling lonely meant I was only thinking about myself. I wasn’t alone. The God of the Universe was right there, listening to me, watching everything I did, and prompting me into conversations with the people around me.

David reminds me: “I will lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2) My help comes from the Lord, not from those surrounding me. God beckons me to get me eyes off myself and my own situation regardless of how lonely and dark the nights are.

LET GOD USE EVEN THE DARK AND LONELY NIGHTS

Whenever you feel lonely, remember the Eternal One Who stands right beside you, regardless of the circumstances. Do not take as long as I did to realize that the situation might not be all about oneself, but about those surrounding us who need to know about the Maker of Heaven and earth. Let God use even the dark and lonely nights.

  • Note from Jacqui: This is the first completely new devotional which Bill has been able to write since his first hospitalization on November 25, 2025. Recovery has been very slow, but we want to thank those of you who have been praying for us, encouraged us, and have been asking God to use all of this for His glory.

Click for further reading regarding Romans 8:28

THE NIGHT THAT WAS NOT SO SILENT

We knew this was serious. It wasn’t long before the question was not if he would be deployed, but rather when.

“Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm, All is bright,” and so, the beloved carol begins. But all was not calm in December of 1990. Four months earlier, Iraq had invaded Kuwait, setting off a chain of events that we feared could lead to war. As the world watched the situation unfold with unease, for me and my husband, the impending threat of war hit closer to home. Mike was a soldier in the Army National Guard. We knew this was serious. It wasn’t long before the question was not if he would be deployed, but rather when.

CHOOSING BETWEEN TRUST AND FEAR

In the midst of the uncertainty, our first child was born in mid-October. We were thrilled at our son’s birth and worked hard to stay focused on enjoying each moment. Even though I had an extended maternity leave to settle into the joys, and sleepless nights, of motherhood, it was a daily struggle. I had to choose between my trust in God’s providence and a real fear of what was to come.

THE REALITY OF SEPARATION

In November, Mike received his orders. He would train for a few weeks at Ft. Indiantown Gap and then set off for the Middle East. We were blessed to find out that he would be home for Christmas, but our joy at the coming celebration of Christ’s birth was greatly overshadowed by the reality of separation that lay ahead.

At the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service, words of kindness and love poured over us as we chatted with those in our congregation. I treasured the sincere promises of prayers for our family. But I could not shake the heavy weight of sadness in my heart. Would this be our last Christmas together? How was I going to make it through the separation?

MARY FACED AN UNPREDICTABLE FUTURE

Is this what Mary felt as she held her babe in her arms that night? She also faced an unpredictable future. The uncertainty was overwhelming. As we began to sing Silent Night and light the candles, my outward calm veneer cracked and the tears that I had been fighting began pouring out. Holding our son in my arms, Mike and I wept silently together.

WE WERE NOT ALONE

In that moment I felt God’s almighty presence. I knew that we were not alone. God would see us through whatever was to come. Psalm 46:1 promises us, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

It has been almost 34 years since that Christmas Eve, and yet every time I sing Silent Night and light a candle to celebrate Jesus’ birth, the memory of that night brings tears to my eyes. I remember God’s faithfulness in that situation and in all the years afterward. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be silent, and know that I am God.” In the silence of the little town of Bethlehem, Jesus was born. And as we rest silently in the Lord, we are assured of His presence and care over us.

Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright.  Round yon virgin mother and child;  Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night, shepherds quake at the sight. Glories stream from heaven afar; heavenly hosts sing halleluiah! Christ the Savior is born. Christ the Savior is born!

Silent night, holy night, Son of God, love’s pure light. Radiant beams from Thy holy face; with the dawn of redeeming grace. Jesus Lord at Thy birth. Jesus Lord at Thy birth!